When I wrote the blog post about bulldozing lesbians at the hospital, I had no idea how popular the post would be, or how it would incite so much conversation about the subject. Many people said that they wanted more on the subject of being a married lesbian and being gravely ill. So, after much thought, I decided it would be a good idea to deliver.
My wife and I were going through tremendous amounts of stress related to my illness. This stress level became supercharged by the hospital and the doctors, as we began to realize the true level of discrimination within the health care system. We were 2 people already in physical and psychological pain. But it wasn’t just the hospital bulldozing us. The people we knew bulldozed us also- with their own beliefs about gay marriage and God. Sometimes they were extremely hurtful. I haven’t talked about that very much. I also haven’t talked about my perception of my wife during this stressful time in our lives. So, I thought that these would be topics to express.
I haven’t written about these things, partly, because I have been absorbed by my own healing. It has also taken all this time to digest, fully, the awful words that were spoken to us by friends and family. Some of which, just left me hurt and in shock. In my marriage, I am the self perceived “strong one’. Somehow, I felt that I had failed my wife. Many people may find this to be irrational. I feel though, that I am the one who is supposed to take care of everything. But in the depths of my illness I couldn’t carry that burden. These are a few samples of the emotions that I am trying to come to terms with.
So, even though I wrote about the discrimination at the hospital first, it was just the icing on the cake really. Truth is, we experienced discrimination in our own family and in the community we lived in, as well. This was even more hurtful. But we were living in the bible belt, after all. People said things to us like, “If Wendy was praying to the right God she wouldn’t be sick” and “your marriage isn’t even recognized here. No one would blame you if you left Wendy”. Or my favorite, “Let me come and pray with you”. I said okay, because my mother taught me to take prayers from anyone willing to give them. The person came to pray. This was the prayer, ” Lord please take the demons out of this house and out of these two women”. I was shocked and scared. Demons? Wow. I had never heard such a thing. Is this really a prayer for healing?
These things just added to the stress and feeling that we were very alone in this. So my perception of my wife at the time- and now- is the following. She is one of the bravest and strongest people I know. She is loyal, caring and thoughtful. She stood by me at a time when many would have run for their lives. Alone, day after day, most of the time, she bathed me and dressed me. She wiped my butt. She did things that a wife shouldn’t have to do for their spouse especially at the age that we were. She did these things out of love and respect for me, and for our marriage. Yes even though we are separated I still feel the same way. Love never fails.
When I think back on the comments people made, of which I have only mentioned a few, I am sure that they were not meant to be hurtful or discriminatory in any way. These folks thought that they were helping, and were coming from their own frame of reference about the Universe, God and religion, gay marriage and so on. But I am left to wonder how these negative comments made to a couple under so much stress would ever be perceived as helpful or healing? I am also left to wonder this. If ours was a heterosexual marriage, or if we had lived in an area where gay marriage was legal and accepted in any way, or even if we were in a place where we were not perceived as “sinners”, would people have said these things to us?
I challenge everyone to think about their beliefs. When you see someone else that is sick or in need, step outside of those beliefs especially if the person doesn’t share those same beliefs. What you think and feel about their life choices, has no bearing on helping them. Live in love. Give people in need your love, even if they don’t think like you. That is what they need. Your love, understanding and support. Not a list of your beliefs and why you think these terrible things are happening to them. It isn’t an opportunity to “save” them. That is bulldozing people. That is kicking people when they are down and trying to persuade them to your belief system. If they are sick, it is not healing. Step outside of negative thoughts about their life (which really just amounts to sitting in judgment). Foster them to be strong emotionally strong. Foster them to take back their health.
Wendy Love Edge
Take back your health America!
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Edited by Oxygen Edge
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